Subversive Chic, Last-Minute Holiday Entertaining

 Peppermint (more, yes) Hostess Gifts

The other day I panicked when I was invited to have dinner

with a friend that I hadn't seen since moving away.

Since everyone knows it's cunty to show up empty handed, I made a quick

pitstop at Wal-Mart (horror) and my hometown's junkstore

to see if I could unearth anything...

A good go-to design staple is: EVERYTHING looks chic and expensive

when you remove it from its horrible plastic wrapper

and dress it up in a clear glass jar.

The ones above are vintage jelly jars and juice glasses, and they

can be found at EVERY flea - often for less

than 5 dollars, unless you're feeling French and fancy.

I tied the arrangements off with a little shitty ribbon

I found in Wal-Mart's "craft" department.

When choosing a ribbon pattern, stick with something

as simple, bold and graphic as the peppermint itself.

It will help disguise what a cheap bastard you have been.

Rooting the stick candy in cinnamon red-hots lends you the ability

to give the arrangement a little height and consideration,

while keeping the jars free of their lids helps your gift

from feeling overly self-important.

Let your hostess know that when she's done stuffing her face,

she can plop a tealight into the jar and read a book

by her lonely, obese self.

Often jelly jars and juice glasses were designed with beautiful

facets or ribbing that really makes a sparkle through candlelight.

* * *

Salt Cellar Candleholder

Setting the table?

Real people rarely use a salt cellar unless they're throwing a snotty coke party.

Reinvent these dusty saline containers by simply heating the wax on the bottom of a taper and firmly planting it

inside the bowl of the glass.

When heating the wax, be mindful to hold the flame far enough away from the candle so that it does not go black with soot. 

Cooling your salt cellars in the fridge for twenty minutes prior will aid in affixing the warm candle wax,

but I've also used a discreet amount of rubbery bubblegum

in a panic

if you have a finicky candle that won't stand up.

Salt cellars can be as cheap or as expensive as you'd like.

Find them here.

* * *

Naughty Pine Napkin Folds

Everyone likes to sit down to a table with a cloth napkin.

Don't be a slob.

Iron your napkins flat and fold them in half on a diagonal.

Roll it up from the pointy end to wide end, and finish off by

tying it in a basic knot.

Clip a little branch from the backside of your Christmas tree

and tuck it into the twist.

(This also works with a shitty paper towel

for a white trash lunch, but I never told you that.)

* * *

Shut your Dad up with a snack.

This bunch of clementines looks hot in a rusty tin sieve.

Pair them with an ice-cold classic American beer.