Peppermint (more, yes) Hostess Gifts
The other day I panicked when I was invited to have dinner
with a friend that I hadn't seen since moving away.
Since everyone knows it's cunty to show up empty handed, I made a quick
pitstop at Wal-Mart (horror) and my hometown's junkstore
to see if I could unearth anything...
A good go-to design staple is: EVERYTHING looks chic and expensive
when you remove it from its horrible plastic wrapper
and dress it up in a clear glass jar.
The ones above are vintage jelly jars and juice glasses, and they
can be found at EVERY flea - often for less
than 5 dollars, unless you're feeling French and fancy.
I tied the arrangements off with a little shitty ribbon
I found in Wal-Mart's "craft" department.
When choosing a ribbon pattern, stick with something
as simple, bold and graphic as the peppermint itself.
It will help disguise what a cheap bastard you have been.
Rooting the stick candy in cinnamon red-hots lends you the ability
to give the arrangement a little height and consideration,
while keeping the jars free of their lids helps your gift
from feeling overly self-important.
Let your hostess know that when she's done stuffing her face,
she can plop a tealight into the jar and read a book
by her lonely, obese self.
Often jelly jars and juice glasses were designed with beautiful
facets or ribbing that really makes a sparkle through candlelight.
* * *
Salt Cellar Candleholder
Setting the table?
Real people rarely use a salt cellar unless they're throwing a snotty coke party.
Reinvent these dusty saline containers by simply heating the wax on the bottom of a taper and firmly planting it
inside the bowl of the glass.
When heating the wax, be mindful to hold the flame far enough away from the candle so that it does not go black with soot.
Cooling your salt cellars in the fridge for twenty minutes prior will aid in affixing the warm candle wax,
but I've also used a discreet amount of rubbery bubblegum
in a panic
if you have a finicky candle that won't stand up.
Salt cellars can be as cheap or as expensive as you'd like.
* * *
Naughty Pine Napkin Folds
Everyone likes to sit down to a table with a cloth napkin.
Don't be a slob.
Iron your napkins flat and fold them in half on a diagonal.
Roll it up from the pointy end to wide end, and finish off by
tying it in a basic knot.
Clip a little branch from the backside of your Christmas tree
and tuck it into the twist.
(This also works with a shitty paper towel
for a white trash lunch, but I never told you that.)
* * *
Shut your Dad up with a snack.
This bunch of clementines looks hot in a rusty tin sieve.
Pair them with an ice-cold classic American beer.
