Today marks the first day of February.
It also marks just fourteen days for all you retards in relationships lovers to get yourselves to the store.
Since I don't have a boyfriend to show off
and
I know I won't be getting any chocolates,
here are some things I own that you don't.
We'll start with my favorite category:
Valentine's Day appropriate fashion.
After that we'll briefly cover Valentine's Day
appropriate tabletop.
Try not to get too jelly, and I might let you borrow something.
* * *
FASHION
* * *
This here is an early plastic brooch, and the only
heart I ever dare be caught with on my sleeve.
I love the classic motif and bright cherry red color.
I suspect it is from the 1930s, but if you're
that f*ing interested in dating it
why don't you give it a call?
* * *
Up next is an oversized, vintage, round-cut
rhinestone cocktail ring.
While it isn't real diamond, it really doesn't matter.
That stone is a perfect inch across, and I'm certain that it was set before 1950.
Won't it totally make all those bitches at the Four Seasons
gag on their violet cotton candy when I roll up for my VD lunch?
Pinkies up, ladies!
* * *
This gorgie piece is from my everyday collection.
It is a polished onyx oval brooch set in solid sterling.
Onyx is widely valued for its powers of protection, so I always make sure to wear it to sports bars and church.
While I'm sure it's quite late in the game (1970s, 80s?), I like to pretend I snatched it from a Navajo child along the Long Walk.
It looks great worn on the top button of a collared shirt.
* * *
This contemporary simple pendant
is by Shane Powers
She said she bought it for me for Christmas,
but I think she may have actually taken it out of his purse.
Either way, I own it now.
It is an impression into a material meant to emulate basalt
and made from his signet ring...
which I'm sure she also stole, but kept for herself.
Bitch.
* * *
This "necklace" actually *was* ripped off a Native.
I bought it at last May's Brimfield Antiques Show without knowing a drop about it.
A few months later I was looking for Tibetan tiger rugs
My friend Yvonne said that it is actually a belt (!) and was worn by the Naga people to help keep their panties up.
The Naga, as you may know, were a tribe in Northeast India infamous for their headhunting practices.
I suppose it may be gauche to wear this to the grocery store to pick up some Dove chocolates, but I'm probably going to do it anyway.
* * *
Since I like to pretend that I am a decorator, this scarf helps keep up that ruse.
It is silk, made by Vera Neumann, and features silhouettes of classic American Colonial furniture.
Genius.
I nearly beat some teenager to death yanking it from her hands in the middle of Cheap Thrills Vintage in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
I am tempted to have it framed, since it can't fit around my fat neck.
* * *
Last up for VD Fashion is the *ultimate* Victorian accessory.
The acorn was carried during this time as symbol of fertility, meant to increase longevity and sustain youth.
Acorn charms have also been believed to ward off illness.
But this little sterling beauty has another secret.
This piece is actually called a vinaigrette and would have dangled from the end of a chain, either around the neck or finger.
The cavity would have contained a sponge soaked in fragrance.
Because cities lacked modern sanitation conveniences and hygiene was held to a different standard, a Victorian lady would have worn this to politely bring to her nose when she encountered an unpleasant smell along her route.
I have filled mine with Santa Maria Novella's classic pot-pourri
and wear it when I have to be around anyone who might own Birkenstock sandals.
* * *
TABLETOP
* * *
This is just a bitchy cocktail swizzle I found
digging around in Historic Roswell Antique Market.
Instead of throwing your VD martini into your date's face
after he doesn't bother to compliment your new weave,
I suggest jabbing him in the eyes with something similar to this.
It only cost a quarter and is pretty f*ing cute.
* * *
It is fun to eat fancy expensive things.
But it is even MORE fun to eat fancy, expensive things decanted
into rare fancy, expensive objects.
This is my 19th century English ironstone caviar pot.
It did *not* cost a quarter.
And no, you can't have any caviar, but I can make you a Bumblebee tuna salad sandwich if you're hungry.
* * *
CB2 sold these when they first came to New York.
It is a contemporary appetizer dish from a classic Andy Warhol print.
Don't tell anyone where it's from though, because CB2 is now for girls who think that it is the height of modern design, go out in the Meatpacking District, and still wear Tory Burch flats.
* * *
Lastly, look at this beautiful pink splatter lustreware saucer.
I plan to throw a Chloë Sevigny-inspired (@ 0:32)
VD tattletale tea starring:
every piece of this that I own, all of my cute single friends, and copious amounts of scotch.
We'll be bitching about you.
VD Kisses -
